(This is what I wrote for our February MOPS newletter)
I just returned from a three week vacation with my husband and two boys. The bonus to a vacation in Hawaii is the two hour time change. I would wake up between four and five in the morning, ready to take on the day. Since everyone else was still asleep, I was able to really spend some quality quiet time in Bible study, prayer, and reading. My husband would join me around six AM and we would do a Bible study together, titled, “21 Days to Healthy Habits for your Family”, until the boys woke an hour later.
I would sit on the lanai and watch the sunrise, while listening to the waves and the variety of Hawaiian birds. My heart was bursting with joy and gratitude for the blessings that each morning brought. Sounds idyllic, right?
Then we returned home.
Now, instead of bounding out of bed ahead of schedule, I am dragging myself. I feel like I am exhausted for a good part of the day. And I come home to conflict. Lots of it. With my own spouse. Among my family members. Among my friends. Top major health issues with some loved ones, a nasty bout of PMS, (something that did not exist for me until this past year) and I am at the point that I just want to hop back on the next plane back to my little happy place in the sun.
I was at a breaking point this past Sunday. I was debating whether I should go to church because I knew that if anyone looked at me and saw through the smile, I would be a blubbering mess. (Someone did. I was.)
Guess what the service was about that day? C-O-N-F-L-I-C-T
At that point, I had to decide, do I leave and not hear what I know will be hard to hear, or do I stay and listen to what I know God wants me to learn, (and hold me accountable for my part in the conflict, something I was not thrilled with)?
I stayed, and I want to share with you what our pastor, John, shared with us. I encourage you to look up the scripture references for deeper understanding and application. I assume that others beside myself have to deal with conflict and hope that this will help you as it did me.
“The Great Race: The Value of Conflict”
11 Timothy 2:14-26
Today’s Key Truth: Healthy conflict can be your best friend and unhealthy conflict can be your worst enemy.
John quoted from Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott that, “the road to intimacy in marriage is paved in conflict. It leads to greater levels of understanding.”
(Riiiiiiiight……not feeling too understood or intimate at this time, John…<note heavy sarcastic undertone>)
Then, he introduces that concept of “healthy conflict”. Who knew there was such a thing? As someone who avoids conflict like a plague, I never hang around long enough to decipher whether conflict can be healthy or not.
Healthy conflict flows from healthy Identity, an identity rooted in Christ. If you know who you are a Christ sees you, and can really believe that, then insecurities and self-esteem issues dissipate.
Healthy conflict flows from healthy Motives. Being at peace together.
Healthy conflict flows from healthy Habits. How many of us have healthy habits of communicating, listening, the use of tone in our voice? How many of us had healthy role models for these habits while growing up?
Healthy conflict flows from healthy Trust.
John encouraged us to do a Conflict Assessment, rating how we are doing. For the really courageous, he encouraged us to do it with our spouse…
*Rate yourself and your partner on a scale of 1 (poor) to 10 (great)
I would rate my listening skills during conflict as a ___________
I would rate my partner’s listening skills in conflict as a _________
I avoid harsh and harmful words and speak with grace in conflict______
My partner avoids harsh and harmful words and speaks with grace in conflict____
I work hard to resolve a conflict and avoid giving up until it is resolved well____
My partner works hard to resolve a conflict and avoids giving up until it is resolved well_____
I am able to be honest and express my thoughts and feelings______
My partner is honest and expresses their thoughts and feelings_______
I do not hold grudges and forgive well________
My partner does not hold grudges and forgives well________
My best asset in conflict is___________
One thing I need to work to handle conflict better is__________
CCC Top Ten Tips for Healthy Conflict by John Jenks
Conflict in the church is a dangerous reality that can hurt and discourage people. When it is unhealthy conflict it can become habitual and cripple a church. Conflict can also be an opportunity to experience new levels of positive community and ministry. Sometimes the road to intimacy and love is paved with healthy conflict. But it’s not always easy! Even healthy conflict can be difficult to experience, but it can be valuable. It takes real discernment to not “make mountains out of molehills, or molehills out of mountains.” Sometimes we avoid conflict when we should enter into the hard work of wrestling through difficult issues with each other. At other times we need to let things go and not worry about the small stuff. We need to live in obedience to the priority of love, harmony, and community even as we wrestle with inevitable relational challenges with each other. Each of us needs to take the needed and biblical responsibility to do everything we can to live in harmony with others in God’s family. (Romans 12:18) As we grow in our own personal, spiritual, and emotional health we increase our potential to engage in all levels of conflict, from the casual disagreement to experiences of intense discord with others.
- Remember: Healthy conflict can be your best friend and unhealthy conflict can be your worst enemy (II Timothy 2:14-26)
- Live with realistic expectations. (Philippians 4:1-3. Some conflict in the church is inevitable. In any church, no one will agree with everything all the time. Everyone at various points in their experience in the church will need to respond to something they don’t like or agree with. Doing this with maturity and a commitment to love others and support the church is vital.
- Do not “Triangle”. (Matthew 18:15-17) Go directly, go quickly and go with a reconciling spirit.
- No slandering or gossip allowed. (1 Peter 2:1, Proverbs 11:13 and 16:28)
- Major on the majors and minor on the minors (Freedom in Christ), or…”Don’t sweat the small stuff”. (Romans 14) In essentials-agreement, in the non-essentials-freedom, and in all-love.
- In the midst of conflict, we will treat each other well: with dignity, kindness, courtesy and respect. (Colossians 3:12, Galatians 5:22)
- Let’s strive for honesty, with each other and with ourselves. We need to be honest with each other in our communication. We also need to be honest with ourselves and recognize that sometimes, “The issue is not really the issue”. Without honest self evaluation sometimes we can argue about one thing when the real issue is something inside of us that is pushing us towards conflict and fueling our intensity. (Often fear, hurt, insecurity, desire for control, etc…)(Matthew 5:36-37, Romans 12:3 and Psalm 51:6)
- We will not hold grudges. We will be people of forgiveness. (Colossians 3:12-14)
- We will pray for each other (John 17 and Colossians 1:3)
- We will be committed to loving each other and wishing each other well. (I Corinthians 13. I John, John 13:34-35, and Ephesians 1:2)
